In memory of the fake month of JAN..

it nvr failed to zoom by for the years that hav passed.. esp. during school days.. u nvr seemd to hav any memory of tis fast-moving mth.. its usually the time to set tings right again.. coz its a mark of new beginning.. n usually u hav so many things to set right.. then followed by prep for the CNY.. the mth jus glide past.. its another 334 days b4 i'll c you again.. so long..

happy ppl..

i was gonna blog abt stoopid ppl stealing my stationaries..

but well i jus rec'd a call fr a happy person.. i dunno why these ppl's laughter jus hav the power.. it'll suck u into their happiness.. tis is the the 2nd person i came across w tis kind of laughter.. i met the 1st one while climbing.. i call him 'THE VERY HAPPY PERSON'.. my fellow climbers call him hyena coz the laughter probably sound like hyenas.. watever.. i jus noe they hav laughters w power..

damn DL!

everytime i stayed home.. i lost my willpower to live.. i go to work.. it isnt any better.. i'm jus moving ard like a zombie.. everyday i'll jus start my life at 1730(or watever time i leave the plc).. that probably explains y i dun hav enuff time for my beauty sleep..

4 days back.. my boss aka father finally discovered that(i became a zombie).. but does it make a difference?!.. blar..

my want list

had a few things on my want list for a long while already.. jus din drag my ass out to go get it.. sigh..

1. Asics Gel-Kayano XI
   its been a while since i bought my last pair of track shoes.. image mine is Gel-Kayano VIII.. but why do they only have the berry color here.. sigh PINK! wonder if i shd get it..
   
   jus becoz running is an impact sport.. i'll give myself excuse to spend more on a pair.. hee..



2. damn!!.. i noe i need to go pw to get something.. but what is that something?? stoopid memory..
   
   oohhh.. i rem now.. i need to get a Panasonic Retractable Earphone.. so my wire will nvr get entangled again..



3. A Blinker.. for my nite blading..
   
   so far i've only been to 3 nite blading.. Pasir Ris, Sentosa & Esplanade to Orchard Road(jus yest), all done w/o a light..

sleep debt

well today is the day to pay up.. depriving my body the normally required 10-12hr sleep for sooo long.. i guess the avg for the past 2,3 mths was only 5-6hrs.. that is only like 50%..

i'm back to my sec-sch-sundays.. wake up late morn.. b/f.. abit of tv/read/watever till sleepy.. sleep again.. wake up late afternoon.. lunch.. more tv/read/watever.. bath/dina.. n it'll b bedtime soon..

nvr did i expect i'll spent another sunday like that again.. if my body had not protested..

sick @ e wrg time

i dun understand why my body have to fail mi on weekends, school holidays n public holidays.. cant u wait??.. damn!.. now i cant go tanning.. n its such a sunny day..

last climb of the mth..

k.. i've did it.. tis mth i re-re-re-re-started (for the dunno how many time) my rock climbing on a regular mode - twice a week.. managed to clock 8times tis mth.. which means its <$6 x 7 + TP x 1 = $42> *gulp*

had alot of new ppl joining n trying it out also.. first was my cousin who started like 2wks bac.. next followed by 3 of my old frens after the topic was started at a late nite supper/drink..

i suppose its their first go at it today.. its quite nice that climbasia wasnt too crowded today.. n i guess they probably enjoyed the climb.. ehh.. they better enjoy it!!.. hahah.. coz i paid $6 n i was belaying most of the time.. (hmm.. but for old frens.. no prob at all lah.. hee..)

at least my form was pretty ok today.. noe wat!! i moved to tile23 of e 6A route finally!!.. (one move that i have been doing n trying so many times since i re-started..) well not the full route was done but at least its something.. on top of that did most parts of 3routes (considering that i dun even touch on 1route at times..) that is something also..

could it be becoz i din climb much today?!.. BUT.. i ALWAYS din climb much.. well.. anyway.. although it wasnt much of an achievement.. i'm taking it ez so that i dun get too demorise over it again.. n stop again..

the worse part is.. these days my mental r not so strong anymore.. fear also play a stoopid part.. sigh.. when i first started climbing 8.5yrs ago.. i had the "i-can-do-it! mentality" whenever i climb.. n wat is fear? but these day every second.. e mind is telling u "cannot lah.. no strength.. no grip.. n ay.. like v high leh..) fuck mann.. u move a little bit higher n u have that height fear set in.. n the ting is the max height for bouldering is only abt 3metres? like that how to do lead climb?!..

i must definitely keep to tis routine.. i wonder wat's gonna happen during the CNY break.. that will b like 1wk w/o climb.. i hope its not gonna hav much impact.. i NEED to maintain n improve..

test blog

okie.. come to think of it.. i rarely if not totally blog abt happy things.. well not that my life is w/o them.. but happy times jus passes real fast n u rarely hav the extra time to sit in front of the pc to blog.. n also happy is more like a feel thing.. i dunno how to describe.. but anger n frustration is something u need to let out.. yell n scream n swear..

Round 2

work plc messed up again.. FULL scale.. sian..

i'm losing gray matter

shit mann.. tis is real bad..

• hav u ever.. take the wallet in ur hand.. went up the bus n jus sit down.. forgetting totally abt scanning the ez-link.. 'till the driver call u..
  i jus did tis morn.. n its not the first time..


• hav u ever.. ON the comp in adv.. then walk away.. came back n 'ON' the comp again (forgetting that u already did) coz the screen is black..
  i jus did.. again!.. for dunno how many times already..


• hav u ever.. open ur mouth to tok n realised that u forget wat u wanna say..
  it always happen to mi..


• hav u ever.. tried writing down note n reminders to remind yourself.. n u forget to check or you forget where u wrote them..
  this is also an everyday affair..


• hav u ever.. clease ur face n forget all abt the step2 & step3 of toning n mosturising
  OR stare at the toner n moisturiser n wondered if u had already clease ur face..
  i did that tis morn too..


• hav u ever.. took a msg on the phone n forget abt it totally the second you put down the handset..
  i've been thru that so many times..


• hav u ever.. listen to orders of a customer.. n b4 u cld write it down.. u clean forgotten them..
  i had to ask customers to repeat so many times.. or jus assume.. both way i wld get into trouble anyway.. jus a matter of luck..

there r so much more incidents which i cant recall now.. i really think my 'gray matter' is rotting away.. tis is really really bad..

just one..

with CNY drawing near.. i decided to send a greeting card.. thru snail mail.. (ya, a physical card, not e-card..) well mayb nobody appreciates them these days.. anyway this year i'm only sending ONE.. jus ONE card.. jus spent 1hr writing the card n not much was written.. anyway i'll mail it only next wk..

i really wonder if anybody care?

discarded gift

given my character.. i wld nvr hav picked up or bothered abt something w/o sincerity.. mayb its jus a material want?.. that.. i refused to admit due to my pride.. so mayb its sedimental want?.. that.. i refused to come to terms with due to my anger..

i was nvr sure of why i hav the discarded gift picked up since that day..
mayb i lost both my pride n anger.. jus mayb.. i dunno n i nvr noe..

but today.. i'm glad i have it.. i'm glad it was discarded.. not ripped.. i'm glad it was picked.. not trashed.. i'm glad thou it was discarded physically.. the wishes was nvr discarded.. i'm glad thou it was stained n cldnt b perfect.. it reminds mi of the imperfect world i'm in.. i wld nvr have wanted another gift..

denial

its funny how one can live in denial for so long.. even when realising it(the mind), u remain in it(the heart).. not that you r in ctrl.. is this a defense mechanism too?!.. when it breaks down n truth sets in.. it's all too late..

but if its not too late.. the truth nvr sets in..

tell mi..

izzit a gd ting that tis blog leaves the last window open n let you look in whenever u wan to.. or izzit better to shut off all doors and windows so that you can just let go of everything without hanging on to anything?!..

sometimes i wish i have the same window left open for mi.. but sometimes i'm afraid that i'll hang on to it if i have one..

fucking stoopid office

now n then i try n i keep trying to report to work on time.. but its jus pissing the hell outta mi.. first i start work with only half a table space.. then slowly.. due to more ppl than table.. i LOST my WHOLE (well half to b exact) table.. nvm.. so i retreated to another free table.. but not mine..everything i used, i needed is still at my old table.. i hav to work thru network everyday for my harddisk data.. 8+mths down the rd.. i came into office.. my whole work table is ALL MESSED UP (messier than it originally was..) FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

bad day.. =(

i'm feeling v v v bad about being cruel.. but i noe i have to b.. n i'm determined to do it..

the unexpected twists..

its funny how things in one's life twists so much.. you can be on the top of the world at one moment.. but the next moment u can fall right down to the bottom.. i really cannot understand how one shd treat all these turns of events.. maybe it is not what happened.. but rather how have you made it happened..

anyway i shd hav a gift w wishes.. now what i possessed is just a discarded one..

food for thought..

sometimes.. being kind doesnt necessarily make you kind..

nice music

luv to call dbs hk helpline.. their music is so nice u really dun mind waiting.. haha..

heavier

i finally got a haircut on mon.. as usual they will go "wahh.. u got so much hair.." so they will start thining.. anyway tis time i only intend to trim it..

NOW.. since my hair trim.. although its thinner.. i feel my head heavier? y? izzit becoz of the imbalance between the inside weight n the outside weight?.. i really wonder..

i need a break..

i tink its time i seek peace elsewhere.. may b bac blogging next mth.. if tings dun go too wrg..

give mi a kit-kat first.. =P

the call

i pick up a call (from some m'sia bank ppl).. n the person goes.. i dunno i dunno i dunno.. fuck.. right after i post my '?' entry.. as if i dun have enuff..

?

i dunno what is happening i dunno wat i wan i dunno wat i did i dunno if tis is the best way i dunno wat u wan i dunno how to do tis i dunno how tis can b possible i dunno why everybody is behaving tis way i dunno y nothing work out i dunno y i m still like tis i dunno if i m alive i dunno i tis is the result i wan i dunno if i m cruel i dunno if i m indecisive i dunno if i screwed up big time i dunno if things can b reversed i dunno if i wan to reverse the things i dunno if i wan to get the system up i dunno if i shd tok the person i dunno wat i noe i dunno if i m useful at all i jus dunno

life is..

.. a bad game.

when it slows down (like too tired or drained)..
when you get stuck at some pt..
when no matter how many times you try, nothing seemed to b moving/working..
when things jus seemed to go haywire..

there is no such thing as Ctrl+Alt+Del..

oh no!

the stoopid jap advance class is so difficult that i dun understand shit..

suppose to read the passage 3 times a day but till now i only read 1/3.. n class is 2 days later..

ahhhhh.. ..

Time 0 to Time 4

Time 0
the loss before even starting..

Time 1
not enough chemistry..

Time 2
"You are actually more affected than you look." -a fren

Time 3
a meeting by fate.. at apollo..
feeling faint..

Time 4
i am affected!

the news is out..

it is the end.. 07112004 - 14012005..

how short is that?!.. yet it seemed so long.. so eventful.. so many turns.. but it still have to come to an end..

i hate endings.. sad endings..

what is the right way?

face-to-face..? telecon..? snail mail..? email..? ecard..? sms..? silence..??

what is the nice way, rather??

The Right Time, The Right Way.

there is never a right time.. never a right way.. to break bad news..

but nevertheless i jus hope i can do it at a nice time.. in a nice way..

my complicated n confused life..

mystery forever.. ..

till this day i still wonder if he was ever sad.. or was he ever happy?!..

time flies..

it was nvr mine!

every single human being tell u its YOUR life.. but fuck it.. coz then they'll tell u.. u CANT do this.. u CANT do that.. or u MUST do it this way n not that way..

n then.. if u TRUELY believed its ur life n u do it or dont do it.. u kena fucked!.. all i ask for is some peace.. but its like so god damn difficult.. aint that true?!..

i guess mine was being sold as a lifetime slave(since dunno when) to the world/society/ppl so that i can eat well n become fat.. blar..

-From 'the five people you meet in heaven'

"ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."

i hav a confession..

i jus realised that i hav a fetish for non-nerdy looking IT geeks.. =P

new proposal

nope.. i chged my mind.. if u can take mi away now.. i'll go visit u immediately.. deal?

ahhhh... i'm losing it.. again.. blar..

*white flag*

god.. gimme the strength to survive these 6mths.. if i come thru i might seriously consider (consider only) visiting u every wk.. sigh.. how to work!!! CB!! FUCK!

email obsession!

am i OBSESSED?!.. hee..

now i have:
2 @email.com
1 @yahoo.com
1 @yahoo.com.sg
2 @catcha.com
2 @gmail.com

nope dun tink i'm there yet.. there're ppl w 14emails.. wat's my 8 compare to that.. =D

i'm jus unhappy i cant get the nick i wan @yahoo.com.. its always taken.. damn!

liars!

i fucking hate ppl.. liars.. all they do is say nice things.. its all lies.. jus a pack of pretty lies to let u fall into.. dun say nice tings to me.. if u wanna do something.. jus do.. dun fake as if that's not ur intention.. after i believed the whole story.. you show ur true colors.. fuck! I DID NOT ACCUSE YOU..

i resolve to:

1) QUIT my job (by JUN 2005)

2) pass JLPT 3 (in DEC exam)

3) reduce couple of kilos (review quarterly - 31 MAR)

4) add 3.6k NET to my stash (avg 600/mth)

5) go Japan again

Add-on(s)
*6) not touch that thing again

*7) do the canoe 1 star coz

*8) go for 1 dive trip