wah KAO!!

cannot tok bad abt ppl behind their bac mann.. no matter how impossible.. they will jus appear!! the moment u tok bad abt them.. sheesh..

okay.. i jus did that.. now i'm wondering if the person heard mi.. blar..

'Guan(1) Yin(1) Dan(4)'

apparantly the temple opp my office is a guan yin temple.. NOW i noe.. n today is of coz.. guan yin dan(the god's b-day)..

totally terrible ride to office.. bus was super duper crowded.. the first bus cld hav at least take 10 more ppl but the driver refused to open the door..

then the next bus that came along got a real kind driver.. he is probably a devouted guan yin follower i suppose.. first he ask passengers to move in so he can take more ppl.. k nvm.. then already crowded to the door.. the next stop he came to.. he still stop(unlike most drivers.. who wld jus convenienly zoom pass.. but well actually there's nothing much they can do..)

so tis driver stopped.. n the passengers who jus got up fr prev stop (2,3 of them) keep telling the driver, "NO! NO!.. dun open the door!!.. no space liao!!!.. CANNOT!!(in hokkien)" but the driver ignore their plea.. n ask the ppl to try their best to get up.. wat a rare sight!!.. ..

look at these ppl.. if they were at the bus stop.. they wld wan the driver to take them.. n when they r already on.. all they care is their own comfort! full of rubbish ppl.. but then again.. its kinda dangerous to hav so MANY on the bus n squeeze to the door n stuff.. ..

sigh.. now i must b on alert when the temple festives r on.. or mayb i shd jus get a bic.. save me fr all these crowds..

totally detached..

got invited to a birthday party on sat.. my cousin(biao jie)'s daughter.. n i cldnt even b sure whether it was her daughter's or son's b-day..

we jus sat n ate (buffet style).. only toking among ourselves(me, my sis n bro).. n we were like.. who's tis.. who's that.. i din recog my cousin(biao ge)'s wife.. i had no idea how many kids they had.. hav nvr seen their kids b4..

n my bro was at a lower lvl.. who's that carrying the baby..?
me enlightening him.. ur biao ge) loh..
bro continuing.. then who's the other 1 that looks v young..?
enlightenment continues.. his younger bro - ur the other biao ge)..

well basically i had abt 4-5 cousins that is in my era(70's kids).. so cant blame my bro for not noe-ing them.. the rest of the 10-20cousins r all my bro's era(80's kids) or even younger..

but then again.. u dun even noe wat ur parents does everyday.. so its pretty normal.. not to noe abt cousins' families i guess..

n ya frankly its up to one whether they bother.. n i guess.. i probably dun.. one jus get too distant over the years..

i survived..

a 70km cycling trip..

CYCLING TRIP - Pengarang, Malaysia (25-26 MARCH 2005)
hearing the distance to b covered..
-from house to changi jetty
-then 13km to our reward place (seafood restaurant for dina)
-another 9km to our chalet..
i wondered again n again y i agreed to go for the trip..

so the nite b4.. i was already paranoid.. went to sleep as early as i can.. to let my body hav MAXIMUM rest.. coz i haven been cycling for dunno how long..

on the day.. jus barely 1km fr my house.. after crossing a killer slope.. my first thought was "CYCLING IS NOT MY GAME".. n then i wondered if i'll get butt cramp.. coz it already feel crammy..

n the worse part.. i forget to stretch.. bicycle tyre needed a pump.. seat was too low.. tsk tsk.. totally ill-prepared!.. it usually happen to first-timers.. i guess.. coz u dun hav all the necessary stuffs.. n a borrowed bic n stuffs..

then of all things jus after shortly after getting seat n tyre in plc.. there was a loud ppsssssssssssss............. yucks!! tyre flat..

bunk boat seats got rearranged n i was alone on the boat.. arghh.. leaving a first-timer on its own.. but nvm.. jus take the boat then wait at the destination..

while cycling from pengarang towards the seafood plc.. the only tot in my mind was "Drafting".. my fren says it worked.. but i dun c any diff.. argh.. to mi the headwind was still strong anyway.. but i shdnt risk otherwise.. so i CONCENTRATED on keeping 0.5 to 1 wheel behind the front cyclist.. trying very hard not to tink n jus go-through-motion.. but once in a while i'll hav tis tot pop up - "JUS DUMP THE BIC N GO HOME.. i wanna go hommeeee.. .." hee.. desperatly wanna rest my butt.. the ting is i already had extra cushioning.. bought a gel seat.. i dunno if it worked.. doesnt seemed to coz it really hurts.. but cldnt imagine w/o it if it really worked..

n oh.. i tried out a bic w disc brake.. n guess wat.. barely 5 min on it.. i tried to brake.. happen to hav only my right hand on the handlebar so i jus press the brake w/o thinking.. it happened to b the front brake..(n i DID NOT press HARD).. but i was kinda thrown off.. blar.. so i got a real serious blue-black from the fall..

n the last part to the chalet was really a test of my endurance.. i cld hav jus thrown the bic.. sit down on the rd.. n stamp my feet.. if i had any lesser dignity.. =P

second day was much much better.. did 27km in 55min.. but the butt part was jus bad.. pain.. ouch.. .. luckily i managed to lombang n get a ride home fr jetty..

rest of them wasnt so lucky n had to ride in the rain.. n when they reached my plc(stopover) abt half an hr later.. they were all drenched n tired.. really thks for the ride mann..

anyway.. it was a pretty gd trip.. n i MIGHT consider buying a bic for myself..

waiting to.. ..

1) cross the road
2) hail a cab

is there a way one can differentiate themselves..??

coz i'm damn sick of taxi steering into the lane i'm standing at.. n horning mi as if i din c them.. when i'm crossing the road everyday..

izzit mi again?!

put it tis way..

if i dun bother whether i breath another second.. do u tink i bother if the document get sent out on time?? fuck it..

the BIG BIG ILLUSION

my life?? nope.. nvr.. u owe them.. since the day u r born..

my choice?? nope.. nvr.. u depend on ppl.. u choose things to make ppl happy.. u choose things so that u dun feel bad.. u choose things more accepted by the "norm".. JUS to remain in the SANE community..

my destiny?? nope.. nvr.. it is all shaped.. programmed.. moulded by the ppl/society/world..

FREE MI.. i beg.. i pray.. n i offer my soul..

a little abit too much..?

peace isnt exactly an easy ting to request for..

i'm really wondering if it is alot to ask for.. i supposed so.. since i always find it difficult to achieve.. or mayb.. one might nvr get it.. as long as there is no peace within?? *shrugs*

stuffs really beats mi..

but jus free mi..

even blogging is working against mi now.. sad but true.. cruel.. reality..

lost of a happy post..

almost forget to put tis..

now i rem.. but posting in a totally different mood.. its jus:-
well.. managed to clear 6A route for the first time today..

---------
it shd hav been:-
WooHooo.. i did my 6A!!! 1 shot.. 1 time.. 1 go.. all the way.. FINALLY!!.. YEAH!!

(these r jus feelings i rem.. not feelings anymore..)

---------
crappy life.. jus becoz of some unrest..

blog-commenting unrest

TO: All my valued READERs & COMMENTORs

i dunno wats wrg.. u readers/commentors tell mi.. i dun think u guys c anything like tis in any other blogs..

anyway jus a note n if anyone ever really bothers or care.. tis blog is MY SANCTUARY.. i welcome all to come/read/comment.. but pls have pity on mi n give mi the last bit of peace i can find..

to ppl who find anything u dun like to read/see/or watever.. THE LEAST u can do for mi is jus to STOP clicking on my blog link..

with thks,
grinnis

P.S.: FOR THOSE WHO CANT DO ANYTHING FOR MI..
PLEASE KINDLY FUCK OFF.. THANK YOU.. JUS FUCK OFF LAH.. I DUN WELCOME U!!

wow.. public addressing memo.. too much poison fr the corporate world..

shack..

= no motivation = no drive..

jus damn tired..

the total giveaway - body language..

well i guess my facial expression n body language is always a givaway.. i noe it all along.. i wanna chg it to prevent more disadvantages.. esp in biz sense.. but its jus so difficult for mi.. imagine i cant even lie properly in front of my parents(i wasnt a gd kid.. but i dunno when i lost that ability)..

how to do it in hostile biz world against i-have-seen-it-all-and-i-am-hungry-for-sales salesman..?? i guess my conversation w the salesman bring out the fact it is a very disatrous thing.. yet i'm helpless..

anyway my inexperience - all written on my face was wat they worked on to their advantage..

but i guess today.. having shot out the sentence (i suppose every person who think the outside world w bosses breathing down their neck r cruel wld have thought of..)

"You r V Lucky to b able to work for your family.. u dunno the pressure we faced outside.."

HAHA.. as usual this type of remark is a big slap on my face.. but i guess he also sense the agony n helplessness in my expression n voice (when i told him straight in the face i've been out there b4.. n i noe.. its much easier.. oh well its definitely different..

"different lah.." i repeated.. that he chged his strategy (or mayb i jus hope he noticed.. i cant say for sure).. n not conquer on the fact that i was some lucky sheltered inexperience kid..

real or optimism?.. i dunno.. neither do i care..

routine

everyday..

i go to bed in fear..
i wake up lost n distant..

i need more excitement.. for the sole purpose of pumping my heart..

so bloody drained..

1)making phone calls jus to clarify things cock up by:-
-my boss due no proper mgt of wat he did/done/applied/cancelled
-failure of software systems causing duplicate accounts as they check by NAME.. n mind u they r no small org.. wth!!
-to much pushing ard as in who shd b responsible for the error made..

2)finding tings.. dunno Where to find.. dunno Wat to find..

3)dealing with software vendors (still kena suan by them)..

rude shock..

i was sipping coffee n enjoying some 'sinful' cheesecake along orchard rd w my bf.. topic of LV bags came up when we were looking at ppl carrying a LV Trouville..

"how much does these things cost.. .." i casually asked..
"$2-3k.." was the ans..

here's a breakdown of my brain thinking process after i heard the ans:-
FIRST - "well.. so god damn ex.. but ok.. guess that's y ppl go gaga over it.. coz its some upclass brand.. gd quality? nice?.. or watever.. anyway it nvr appeal to mi.. n most of the time(read: always) i tink its kinda ugly.."

THEN THE SHOCK CAME - "$2-3K?? ??? wat?? coz i suddenly rem a 2nd hand 5yr-old Honda Phantom(->cruiser ->Phantom) is only S$2.5K (an updated info. i got like 2wks back)"

OMG.. if anyone is ever generous enuff to buy mi an LV bag.. PLEASE.. buy mi a Honda Phantom instead.. grin..

i wonder if one day i ever b mad enuff to choose an LV over a bike..(cant say for sure today coz i believe that nothing is impossible.. haha..)

dirty old lady..

sigh.. not helping.. nor improving my already-always-bad days.. my bus to office always smelt of axe oil.. or some weird tings..

anyway today.. the old lady that sat in front of mi jus keep spitting on the floor.. arghh.. i hate that bus no... but its the ONLY bus to office.. *sigh*

sick old man..

was waiting to cross the road.. n tis cement mixer drive by.. purposely horned n waved at mi..

then crossed the rd.. waiting at the bus-stop.. another lorry drive by.. horn n turn his head..

jus for the record.. i wasnt skimpily-dressed.. so am i suppose to take that as a compliment.. jus fuck off ppl..

new blogging purpose..

i found that i need to blog more.. for a v impt reason.. to remind myself of who i am.. wat i need to do.. n blar blar..

tis is bad.. if i hadnt browse my own blog.. i wld hav clean forgotton that i hav to settle some issues regarding my foreigner identity thing for some refunds..

okie.. TO DO: update own identity record!!

'corporate life' classroom

SALESman will happen to be nearby your office.. n jus drop by w/o any of ur company profile.. then declare "i happen to nearby, so i jus drop by.."

thereafter.. some will say.. dun worry.. i'm jus tot i'll pop in to c if u wanna hav lunch toge.. then conveniently sit down n ask you how the ting gg n whether u wanna any info. fr them.. since they're here..

some more direct (i suppose the more experienced ones).. will jus declare.. then also conveniently sit down.. then dish out something (*read - data/notes/info. all ready in hands, but ya still no co. profile stuff).. n then go on the ask u wat's the current prob u r facing.. n where he can help.. since they're here..

today's lesson:-
SALESman WILL always happen to be nearby ur office..

ponder over:-
will they b nearby after u sign the sales proposal..
will they b jus pop in to say hi.. hmm.. *deep thought..*

'survive life' classroom

Trust everybody... then cut the cards.

tis the the kind of plc we live in.. its dangerous.. it merciless.. ppl can step on u w/o guilt to get to the top.. ppl can do things to you jus to get out fr their own shit.. YET.. (reread above) we have to Trust.. n not only jus Trusting ppl close to u.. u Have to Trust Everybody..

today's lesson:-
"Trust" is a survival tool..

ponder over:-
can u jus say u dun trust ppl n request to cut the cards ALL THE TIME..
can u jus assume that cutting the cards dun make much diff..

My New Friend..

i'm becoming closer n closer to a new friend - Weak.. Old buddies Pride n Stubborn of at least 20yrs are leaving mi.. they r visiting me lesser.. they r avoiding mi.. n i dun noe wat i did wrg.. if they leave mi for gd.. the only friend i have is Weak.. n i'll be closest to her since i dun hav any other friends left.. why is everybody leaving me.. they r the 2 most impt person in my life n they chose to leave.. wat do i hav left then.. PLS stay.. .. plsss.. ..

a goal

tink i shd jus get married n get out.. get away.. best is i shd get a foreigner.. ok tis shd keep mi gg for a while.. *searching target*

i'm a STILL a foreigner..

hmm.. probably an upgrade of my insce triggered it.. i'm only a dependant on their record.. nope.. PR record not merge.. neither is my new residential status (strictly speaking.. not new.. coz i've hold tis status for almost 10yrs).. but if wat i did triggered tis ting then there shd b a link in some way?? weird.. now i hav to track back some 20yrs of my residential status record..

some stat board.. jus make sure u keep track of ALL things u do.. n KEEP records.. systems ain that reliable.. i might get deported n dunno y.. hahah.. k i'm jus exaggerating again.. =P
_________________________

Euthanasia is v tempting.. but not ez to execute..

the power underestimated by so many..

for as long as i rem..(mayb i had.. but all i rem was jus asking for rewards but nvr getting them..) last sat was the day i receive my first reward for studies.. i din put in much effort.. i din ask for any reward tis time.. i din study it so that we'll b useful in life(at least not at tis level..) i din tink it was a difficult ting.. i jus do it as an interest.. i hold it as a ting that give mi energy to go on..

it wasnt exactly a happy moment.. but not anymore after i c it.. =)

i'll always rem.. i'll always use it to spur me on.. i'll always take it w mi for the big days(at least for tis year)..

but come to tink of it:
reward motivation n motivated by gifts of achievement is probably 2 different things.. so in my case it shd b the latter..
_________________________

still considering abt Euthanasia..

Today..

marks the birth of tis blog 1 yr ago..

i wonder if i shd let it live..
_________________________

Euthanasia is an act of mercy..